


Desertion of us

by melonbutterfly



Series: Stranger Things Have Happened [12]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-29 05:33:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melonbutterfly/pseuds/melonbutterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony can't sleep, and when he does, he has nightmares. Loki tries to make it better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desertion of us

**Author's Note:**

> _Panic is a sudden desertion of us, and a going over to the enemy of our imagination._  
>  Christian Nestell Bovee

Tony comes awake with a gasp like a drowning man breaking the water's surface just in time. It startles Loki awake and he immediately sits up, adrenaline shooting through his veins, making his body alert and awake while his mind still scrambles to catch up. Tony is sitting upright, in a manner of speaking; he's hunched, arms wrapped around himself, and still gasping for breath.

"Hey," Loki says softly. This isn't the first time this is happening; the first time, Loki hadn't known at all what to do and his own worry and attempts at helping Tony when he had no idea what Tony needed and Tony couldn't vocalize it had really been the opposite of helpful. As a result Tony had spent the next couple of nights working furiously in his lab until he passed out. Tonight he had finally let Loki's gentle persuasion convince him to come back to bed.

This time, Loki is better prepared; he's done his research. "Hey, Tony. Can you look at me?"

It's unclear whether Tony even hears him; he stares into nothing, eyes wide and glassy, mouth open as he gasps for breath.

Okay. Loki takes a deep breath and reminds himself to stay calm, no matter how terrifying it is to see his husband so freaked out. Tentatively, he reaches out to touch Tony's naked arm. Emboldened when Tony doesn't flinch back, he slowly wraps one arm around him, careful not to squeeze too tight. The last thing he wants is for Tony to feel trapped. His sources had said he should say that it's okay but clearly it isn't and he's not going to mock Tony by condescending to him.

"Hey," he says again, close to Tony's ear. "I'm here. I'm not leaving. Can you hear me, Tony?"

Tony manages a nod, and he's shaking, so Loki presses a kiss to his temple. "I'm with you. I love you. We're going to try to calm you down, alright? Do you know what you're reacting to?"

A short shake of his head, and Tony is still gasping in that worrying way, hands cramped where his fingers dig into his upper arms.

"Don't worry, we can try to figure it out later. It's not important right now." Loki presses another kiss to Tony's temple. "Right now, we'll try to calm your body down. Does it hurt anywhere? Do you want for JARVIS to call a doctor?"

The way Tony shakes his head at that is almost violent.

"Alright, then we won't," Loki immediately concedes. "It's your decision. You're in control. Right now you probably don't feel like it, but you are. Can you try to breathe in through the nose and out with your mouth?"

Tony does try, but he doesn't quite manage, stumbles over the air and gets scared when he can't breathe in for a moment.

"We'll get there," Loki says, doing his best not to shush Tony because while it's instinct it'd probably be really condescending right now. "Breathe along with me. In for two counts, out for two. Just keep going, even if it doesn't work at first. I'll keep counting and eventually you'll be able to keep up. Okay?" He waits until Tony nods before starting. "In, one, two, out, one two. In, one two, out, one two." And he keeps counting even when at first Tony barely manages to keep up, too desperately gasping for breath. Tony tries to follow along, he does his best, and eventually, slowly, he manages, the panicked desperation to his breathing slowly calming. "You're doing great," he eventually says, kissing his husband's temple again. "Now I'll count to three. In, one, two, three, out, one, two, three. Good." Gradually, Tony adapts, manages to keep up as Loki increases the number to four, then five, then six. By that point he seems mostly calm, as calm as can be in this situation anyway. At least he's stopped clenching his arms around himself in that cramped way, and he isn't holding himself up so rigidly anymore. In fact he's slumped into Loki's side, warm forehead pressed against Loki's neck, and breathes along.

"You did it," Loki eventually says, pressing a kiss to Tony's hair. "You did great, darling."

At that, a bitter laugh escapes Tony's throat. "I fucking- I had a bad dream and completely freaked out. Nothing about this was great." His voice is hoarse, tone bitter and very self-deprecating, and Loki doesn't like that at all.

"Of course it wasn't," Loki agrees calmly. "But you managed to calm yourself down, even though it was difficult. You did brilliantly and I won't allow you to put yourself down."

Tony is silent for a while. Eventually he speaks up again, but quietly. "I thought I was dying. I was back in space again but the suit wasn't spaceworthy and I-" His breathing is starting to speed up again as the memory grows stronger.

"That never happened," Loki says, putting a hand on Tony's chest. "You're a genius with a lot of foresight, and you made your suits spaceworthy years ago just in case. And right now you're in our bed."

"I know," Tony growls.

"Then _stay here_ ," Loki returns a little forcefully, but not meanly or chidingly. For a while they just breathe, Tony slumped in his arms.

"This is really dumb," Tony eventually murmurs.

"It's not," Loki immediately disagrees. "Really, considering all the shit that happened to you over the past years I'm surprised this is only happening now." Cupping Tony's face with one hand, he pulls him up until he can look his husband in the eyes. "This is an absolutely normal, healthy reaction to the absolute rollercoaster the past five years have been. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's not embarrassing or humiliating and there is absolutely no reason to hide. I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you. I love you."

"I love you too," Tony replies, leans in for a kiss, and Loki can tell that he doesn't believe him yet, but he does believe Loki's last two sentences, and that's the most important part for now. The rest will follow, eventually.

"Let's sleep now, darling," Loki eventually whispers when they aren't so much as kissing as using each other as support to keep upright. The exhaustion is starting to creep up on him and if he feels like that, Tony's got to feel worse. There's only one thing he has to say before Tony drifts off, and he says it as they lie down facing each other. "Tony."

Tired eyes blink open to peer at him, but when Tony sees his husband's expression he makes a visible effort to be more awake.

"You're the most precious thing in my life," Loki says. "I love you above anyone and anything."

They don't do this often; usually they stick with those three words, it's meaningful enough for them. But Loki feels like he needs to make absolutely sure Tony knows how he feels about him, because sometimes for all his genius, Tony can be a bit dumb.

Tony stares at him for a moment, and then he smiles, small but breathtaking. "Same goes for you," he murmurs, sliding across the pillow to brush his nose against Loki's. It's not the most romantic thing he could have said but it's good enough, and getting any declaration in return wasn't Loki's goal anyway. For a moment he considers telling Tony to not exclude him from this, to not hide, but he decides not to; he doesn't want to even remotely suggest that his feelings come with conditions. They'll have a talk about this tomorrow, a proper one, not like the aborted attempts that Tony always shut down since the first time it happened.

For now, they sleep.


End file.
